Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in milsta's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, November 26th, 2009
12:41 am	this is the way the world ends... i don't know what keeps me at this website. habit maybe. i want to understand the difference between the intense love i feel for my friends and, like, love love. i don't know where one starts and the other ends. i think it makes for all the awkward things that happen in my life. and lots of the sad things too. i keep feeling sad these days. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 30th, 2009
8:06 pm	no one is alone... i'm disillusioned. i have ridiculous expectations. i should have none at all. that's why i'm constantly disappointed. some day i will learn. some day. dammit. halloween in boulder. soooo excited. i really have nothing else to say. ah well. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 2nd, 2009
8:30 pm	looking at the world through the sunset in your eyes... i got the boulder county job. well, not the one i applied for, but one that is close to as good. AND REQUIRES NO DRUG TEST THAT I CAN FORESEE. so i'm smoking. if they require the drug test, i guess i'll fail it. or fake it. either way, i'm over it. i am tired of being afraid of such actions, which are clearly harmless, getting me scared for job security. fuck it. it's been 10 weeks. i have a delicious date with an elephant pipe tonight. i am so god damn excited. aaaand yeah. mostly happy. finally. needed things to pick up in my life. i felt so useless all the time. headed to ithaca for new years for sure now, and i'm terribly excited. buying the ticket tonight, in fact. i love my people there so much. so much. maybe headed to seattle for a bit of nz reunion. we shall see. and i want to go to yale for grad school. holy shit. yale. masters degree. holy. god. damn. shit. i'm a fucking adult, now, aren't i. wow. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 14th, 2009
5:26 pm	ok. i can't god damn do this anymore. any of this. i can't take being unemployed. i am never one to turn away from some time off...but only if i know i will have something to go back to one day. sure, i bitch and moan when the vacation is over...but doesn't everyone? i miss having some sense of purpose. knowing there are things that need to be done. just having something to DO. jesus christ. this time off is torture. because i can't even go anywhere or do anything. i just have to wait around and see if someone wants to call me in for an interview. i want to go to new york for some time and i can't because i'm like a fucking prisoner to people who couldn't give two shits about me. i don't think employers think for 4 seconds about the people they are trying to hire. if i make them wait indefinitely, how will that make THEM feel? sure, employers can pick and choose anyone they fucking want for a job, but in the mean time, there are people who are just WAITING, and can do NOTHING to make the situation better. even a fucking email to say "thanks but no thanks" would be better than just sitting here and hoping some jerkoff in a hiring office thinks i'm worth talking to. shit. and, how funny how that exact line of thinking applies to my fucking love life. or whatever it is. love doesn't really accurately describe it. yes. i admit it. i miss mike. i fucking miss you, okay? i know. he was bad for me. he was not nice to me. he was everything bad that you can think of. and i realize that. but he was something. but not even he could give me the common courtesy of a "thanks but no thanks." and i know it's bad to want him. i know that i shouldn't want to talk to him anymore. i know all of this. i know my friends hated him, too. fine. and yet, if he called me tomorrow and said "i'm sorry, let's try again," i would. without a second thought. i would i would i would. and i don't think that will change any time soon. i miss him. no. i miss the idea of him. i miss what he could have been. and yet, how can one miss what one never really had?? i'm so sad. just sad. angry. bored. restless. i'm wasting my time. i'm terrified of growing older. laurel and i talked about high school and i have so many regrets. i think about college. i have so many regrets. i want to be okay with the life i have led. i want to be okay with the decisions i have made and the path i have taken. but i keep looking behind me and seeing stops i wish i had made. people i wish i had talked to. opportunities i wish i had siezed. yes, i have been happy. really happy. but i've lost sight of what it is that makes me happy. a friend told facebook to take 30 seconds and think of the good things. i actually had a hard time thinking of things. and that is just fucking sad. i know i have been lucky. i was blessed with a fucking enormous intellect. and wonderful friends. and parents who love me and each other. but is it so much to wish my friends lived close to me? is it so much to ask that another person loves me nearly as much as i think i deserve to be loved? is it so much to ask to have a fucking job? something that gives me a reason to wake up each day? i'm not looking for my dream career or my soul mate. just...something. just something so that when i go to bed each night i don't feel like i have wasted another day of life, and that when i wake up i don't feel like it wouldn't matter if i bothered to move from my bed or not. times are tough for everyone. i understand. and i have tried to take these difficulties with grace. but i am just fucking sick of it. and i'm tired of peoples' advice. i don't need you to tell me how to get a job. i fucking know how. that isn't the problem. okay? if you know someone who is hiring, who wants to hire a person like me, then yes, let me know. but don't tell me craigslist, or this or that website. and don't tell me to go to places with my resume. don't fucking tell me. i am sick of it. just tell me you love me. kiss my forehead and tell me it will be okay. even though i won't believe you. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
1:15 am	maybe there's no mystical design, no cosmic lover preassigned... triumph: giraffe-sized fly has met a bitter and squished end. finally. i have peace. failure: napping all the fucking time. failure: not having anything to do. ever. SO BORED. which is why the napping all the time happens. triumph: home made curry dinner tonight. failure: arranging the down stairs such that 4 room mates like it both stoned and sober. failure: missing weed so god damn much. triumph: not smoking weed for 6 weeks. FUCK YOU, PEE TEST. triumph: interview for the tour guide job. well. oral exam. whatever. i'm stoked. failure: men. failure: no reason to wake up in the mornings. thus, sleeping in too too too much. i need something to do. i don't care what it is. just something. i can't take the pointlessness of every day of my life. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
10:15 am	one last effort. then i'm out. then silence wins. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 14th, 2009
7:07 pm	i'm going to fly away... i am tired of feeling so pointless. this weekend, however, will be epic. which will be nice. actually, for as pointless as i keep feeling, the days have been filled with lots of fun and friends packed in around the long and boring days at work. although, knowing i will be unemployed 1 week from today is making me like this job a little bit more. there is literally a 30 pound fly in my room. sounds like a bulldozer when it flies by my head. i thought it was dead when i smacked it and it went away for a little while, but as i never found its body, it is clear that this is either a large zombie fly or i simply didn't kill it the first time around. you won't win, mother fucker. still floating. no closer to a job than i was 3 weeks ago. still feeling melancholy too much. but i know that i will be okay. if i keep saying it i think it has to be true. i'm tired of wanting to say goodbye but never being able to. damn your smile seared into my brain. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
8:59 am	when you're alone... it recently occurred to me how terrifying the thought is that people get "too old" to fall in love. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 3rd, 2009
2:26 pm	well, it happened, and it was everything i thought it would be :-D (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 18th, 2009
5:09 am	second chances... we aren't often given second chances in life. many times, an opportunity arises, we fail to rise to the occasion, and the moment passes, leaving us with regret, sorrow, or questions of 'what if?' but sometimes we are given the chance to redeem ourselves, to make the decision again, to choose the other course. if there is something that must happen, and it didn't the first time, it seems only natural that the universe would allow us another chance to make it happen. i think we need to seize these second chances, hold them close, and cherish them as small tokens of universal relief from the going going going of time. if we allow ourselves to miss an opportunity the second time, it's as though we are laughing at the universe, telling it we know what's going on better than it does. not that the universe can 'know' something, per say, but to think we can outwit a system that is so much larger and complex than ourselves is just a little self righteous. do not let the moment pass again. do not spend any more time asking 'what if?' you see what's in front of you. grab on to it, and let it take you along for the ride. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 8th, 2009
7:05 pm	i won't feel a thing... it has recently occurred to me that i may be going on a performing arts binge. last night i saw phantom of the opera and it absolutely took my breath away. i cried. it was glorious. the phantom's voice was literally like an angel's. i couldn't believe how amazing the whole production was. next month i am going to see owen meany with my mom. the month after, i'll be seeing flight of the conchords with my brother (happy birthday to me, indeed!). and i just bought golden circle tickets to see rent (with mother fucking ANTHONY RAPP AND ADAM PASCALL as mark and roger...HOLY SHIT BALLS!!!) and, when they go on sale, i'm getting tickets to see spamalot. i love it. and there are certainly worse things i could be spending my money on. that's for DAMN sure. i'm thinking i must see something glorious while in london. maybe two glorious things. the possibilities are so terribly enticing. oh, and by the way, dr. horrible's sing-along blog is fantastic. loooooove it. i'm in a absolutely wonderful mood. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 27th, 2009
4:24 pm	ashes to ashes, dust to dust... i think things are starting to get better. mid terms are mostly over. i'm only going to have another totally horrible week right before spring break. but i know that's coming. and know i'll have friends around that week to help me relieve stress. which is good. i have energy again to work on my thesis, i am making progress. i know where i am going with that. my classes are sucking less. my history prof was totally understanding of my distress, and was really nice about talking to me about it. ecology is no more interesting, but at least i am understanding it all. i dunno. i just want to graduate. i can see the end, but i can't quite touch it. not yet. soon. very soon. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 2nd, 2009
2:37 pm	behind the stadium with you... i am so absurdly frustrated right now. i hate all of my classes. i think they are a waste of time. i don't give a shit about them and am only trying because it would look silly to go from a 4.0 to straight C's in my last semester. not that it really matters, but if i ever wanted to get into grad school, they might wonder. i'm only interested in working on my thesis. but i can't because i am bogged down with all this other bullshitty class stuff. i really couldn't give two shits about Aristotle's thick language (that takes FOREVER to read--heather, i would not have done well at st. john's, huh), the goo on river rocks, the goo at the bottom of lakes, the average air temperature of antarctica, the popularity of quarter-horse racing, eye-gouging (believe it), or horse trotting in the 1800s, or what started the vaudeville fad. i am just frustrated with it. this isn't an education. this is memorizing facts for a few days and then forgetting. fuck this shit. i'm SO ready to just fucking graduate. and there just isn't enough time in a week for me to have 2 jobs, a thesis, 4 classes, and nightly reading for each of them plus projects, essays, and, oh yeah, my thesis--the only thing that i will write or learn about this semester that is worth anything at all. what an expensive waste of my time. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 14th, 2009
10:23 pm	dooo dooo dooo i'm bored. like, in general. persistently bored. ugh. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 1st, 2009
11:59 pm	day after... new years eve night was stupid. hopefully that was the end to a pretty stupid year as opposed to the start of another one. i'll find out that answer soon enough, i suppose. had fun getting stoned with hez and then talking to abbi and luke about life. had little fun thinking about the grand cosmos and life and death because it all scares me very much. oh and drunk 35 year old men are just bad company for any new years party. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 10th, 2008
9:01 pm	ooh baby, baby, it's a wild world... my computer is making it extremely easy for me to break up with it. yes. new computer for christmas. present to myself for...getting through the semester alive. good. sigh. that's all i feel like saying. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 30th, 2008
8:40 pm	don't do me like that... god dammit. school happening again tomorrow. only excited to see some folks. not much else. i sure can get used to wasting time fast. although, i got a helluva lot done over break. just a few more things before the end of the term, thank god. 2 (or 3 if i'm unlucky) econ tests, a geology test, touch-ups on the thesis stuff, touch-ups on biofuels paper, 10 minute presentation for biofuels, 4 page self assessment (read: bullshit) for poetry, 3 poem revisions, and i'm free. that's not so bad. i don't know how i got to the end of the semester successfully. i would call break a huge success. i saw just about everyone i wanted to see, got just about everything finished that i wanted to finish, spent lots of good time with the parents, wrote a couple things, wasted time, slept in, over ate, scored leftovers...EPIC WIN. abbi will be back here in just a couple weeks. holy shit, man. i am stoked. Di, is coming in january, which ruuuuules. seeing my NZ buddies in january also, which rules more. like whoa. can't fucking wait. i guess i'm also going to start looking for a job, hoping soon enough obama expands americorps to a 2 year service that eliminates 100% of student loans. yeah, i said it. and i'm gonna do it once he sets that shit up. maybe it'll be good to go when i graduate, but i doubt it. although i think i have to do it before i'm 24, so that doesn't give me all the time in the world to wait for him either. we shall see. yeah, i guess eventually i'll get my shit together. love. (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 29th, 2008
2:19 am	Consonance I try to remember how to spell “omit” while a boy lies on top of me and runs his tongue over each line of my neck, shoulders, chest. The tune to a song my grandmother used to sing remains on the ceiling just over his shoulder blade horizon. His curly black armpits become all I can see in the dark. I can’t progress the song past the notes, his chapped lips, the tip of my tongue, I can’t progress the word past that first letter “O.” I roll onto my side, his hand slips off my shoulder lands in the tangled blanket between us. I look out the window he tried to cover with an old faded blanket. Early morning light hits the glass so that my reflection sways on top of the snow below the naked tree outside. My cheekbones look white in the transparent face on the window. There is a blackbird that looks inside from a low tree branch. I wonder if the bird can see its image glossed over my face, my chapped lips, the words I try to form from a tune stuck in my head. My face ripples in the top of the black coffee that steams and fogs the fronts of my glasses, the blackbird sings outside the kitchen window. The strap on my shirt slips and he walks in, smells my coffee, my hair. He puts a hand on my now bare shoulder, chases my shirt strap down my arm. His palms are rough, his fingers linger the way that gives me goosebumps. The door slams like far away thunder. The bird flies away, kicks the air, its wings punctuate the song I sing for the empty kitchen, the blackbird who flies, the consonance of being alone in wintertime. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
12:32 am	barack obama is the next president of the united states of america. this is literally the happiest day of my life. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 31st, 2008
8:58 am	doo doo doo, lookin out my back door... i'm sitting in my work office dressed as the dude from the big lebowski. tonight i will wander around boulder with a nalgene filled with white russian and i am so god damn excited. it's going to be good god damn night. because there is no other choice. this week sucked. i spent most of it in a really bad mood. but fuck bad moods. i'll do everything i want to tonight. yeah that's all i have to say, i guess. happy halloween. (Comment on this)